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Friday, March 8, 2013

Christian Woman

 "I once saw our lord Jesus Christ in my glass of coffee, and I knew it was going to be a blessed day,"..... This is something some middle aged fuck tard threw at me today when I was just trying to get to work without dealing with something... i don't know.... stupid. Let me rewind a little to share the interesting start to my day. So there I was at the bus stop between buses on the way to work in my dress clothes including tie. I was also wearing socks by the way.

 An older woman with a young boy walks up and sits down at the bus stop. She takes in a deep breath and says, "I love the rain, what a blessing from god". I just smiled casually ignoring her while thinking to myself, "Yeah, just fuck nature and all. It was some magical creator that pulled a greatest disappearing act that even Bobby Fischer is envious of."

 "His work sure is something isn't it," She said, "Praise Him!" Then her child repeated, "Praise him".

Right away I knew I was in the presence of a cult leader, and I considered contacting Kevin Bacon. However It finally looked like things were becoming quite again and I was able go back to thinking about internet porn, red meat and punching the President in the face..... with a car or small business,.... but no, she wasn't done yet.

 She went on to tell me about her husband who was a minister of some branch of God fearing church cult, and he died of AIDS in the 90s, and it was part of God's plan... yada yada yada. "Why can't this bitch Shut Up, and just go do something in a kitchen somewhere far away from me?" I thought. I was biting my lip so hard that I was afraid some goth vampire kid was going to come up and start licking my chin.

"Ya know, I once saw our lord Jesus Christ in my glass of coffee, and I knew it was going to be a blessed day, and know what? It was" she coughed up.

"Well that certainly is bizarre, i gotta tell ya." I replied.

"Oh not at all, It was his way of letting me know that he was thinking about me."

My eye's couldn't roll any deeper, "You guys must be close."

"Oh yes, yes...So what are your feelings about Jesus and God?"

She just had to ask, "Well they're popular, and more famous then Brad Pitt, so that's something."

"hum, well you joke now, but we all will stand before him one day."

 At that moment I couldn't help thinking about heaven being the "Price is Right" and God was the host as St. Peter was telling everyone to "Come on Down!", "Ya, I hope I win a new car, or IPAD".
Things got silent again as we both looked down the road for the bus, "Now is my time," I thought, "Quick think about two hot twin sisters making out"..... but she couldn't leave well enough alone.

"We're on our way to the church, I teach typing to seniors. So what do you do for a living?"

I looked over at her with a plain expression, "I kill people for a living. I'm a hit man." I just stood there looking at her.

The sudden disturbed fear in her face was priceless, then I leaned over towards her, "Don't worry, no women, no children."

Nothing else was said after that.

True Story.

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